Thursday, May 07, 2015

"If I'm not different who am I?"

I can't say for sure how my peers view(ed) me, but I was, am now and pretty sure I always will be considered "different."
I struggled with it for years. Funny thing was, it wasn't as much in adolescence as much as in college/my early 20s that I was singled out maliciously as "weird."
It pains me to admit, but I just wanted to be "normal" and liked and especially, loved. But unfortunately (and also fortunately) the outside world feels and treats you accordingly to how you treat and feel about yourself. 
The more I tried to be "normal" so I would be liked the more I seemed to repel people. Until I finally just stopped caring. I was ready to embrace who I was.
So I did. 
This usually where a story like this ends, right? 
NOPE.
At the true dawn of the social media craze, I flourished. I was discovering all these wondrous and beautiful things about myself and others all around the world. There were now celebrities like Lady Gaga and Tina Fey who were openly proud about being "different" and idolized for speaking their minds and being themselves.
I discovered that were not all so different. Everyone in some form or another has felt weird; it was a miracle!!! And it was a miracle for a very long time. Until it all of a sudden, it just wasn't..

 "WTF is wrong with me, I have almost everything I've always wanted, why am I not happy?" I began to dwell on it and before I knew it I was having a full blown identity crisis at 28(!) years old.
".. I'm the weird girl, but if everyone is weird then I must not be special"
 I had dedicated 3 quarters of my existence to wishing, trying and hoping to be like everyone else and now that I was (seeing as were all WEIRD) I felt like I had nothing unique to bring to the table. I had underestimated how much I valued my own individuality. This led to a very dark and lonely time for me.
The darkness hovered over me for about a year and a half until I finally found comfort in the understanding that nothing is written in stone, not even people. To be honest, I still feel a little foggy and unsure about who I am sometimes. But that's okay because who I am (and who we all are) is constantly changing. Everyone is alike but no one is the same. We are someone different every fucking second of our lives and whether that be normal, weird, crazy, happy, content, miserable, unique,the same, indifferent, stoked, not so stoked, sad, excited, horny, pleased, lost, found..whatever it is, whoever you are, just embrace it. Be in the moment. Don't over think; things turn out exactly the way they're supposed to.

2 comments:

Viva La DIY said...

Bless the Saturn Return. Weirdness is like uniqueness and provides us, each, with an invaluable perspective.
Thanks for sharing, your self expression is so reflective. :)
♡ Dulce

Cara said...

Dulce!!! Your feedback is always so amazing and insightful!
Thanks girl! <3